If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
