Welp...herpes.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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