When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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