Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
