As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
