nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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