so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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