I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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