he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
