I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
