i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
