Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
