I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
