Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
