The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
