Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
