Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
