I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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