my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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