Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
