How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
