fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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