"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
