I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you are never too drunk for berry picking
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My life is pants optional.
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