i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
