my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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