I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
