do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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