the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
