I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
