Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
