The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
