New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
