I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
