Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
