I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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