I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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