my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
