I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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