My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
