Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
