It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
