I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
