some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
