Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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