Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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