I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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