the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
