the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
