I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
