If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
