I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
