The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
