I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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