life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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